In the Beginning

In the beginning, all I could do was shake, my hand on a floor-to-ceiling window to steady myself and my sister asking if I was still on the line. My mind scrambled, all I could think to do was to find Kyeorda. I wandered about the 10^th floor of Wilson Hall in a daze, trying to calm myself so I could safely make the drive home.

In the beginning, we were at each other's throats. Each of us snapping at the smallest perceived provocation. At one point it felt like the whole family had fallen apart and I worried of permanent schism.

In the beginning, the stress of it felt crushing. Every cell of my body seemed to to ache. I weakened. Shingles marched across my chest. No amount of sleep was enough and the exhaustion was terrible.

In the beginning, I would go from deep sleep to absolute alertness. My eyes would open and the realization that my mother was dead would come upon me again. I would then have to check on Micah, to make sure he was still with me, still breathing.

In the beginning, it was all I could think of. My sister's words perpetually haunted me. They would come at me at any time, her sobbing voice echoing through my head, “Mom killed herself.”

In the beginning, I relived my Mom's last day many times over, unable to stop myself. I would start from our phone conversation in the early afternoon and go forward to the end. My mind would paint a vivid picture of the day despite my wish to suppress the vision.

In the beginning, I spent most of my spare time investigating the why that my Mom did not provide. I reconstructed the seven days bookended by Kyeorda, Micah, and I pulling out of her driveway and my sister calling me while I sat at my desk at Fermilab. I read things I wish I could forget, such as the gut churning autopsy report. And eventually I knew everything there was to know.

And since then, I am not haunted like I was before. My body has healed. We have nearly settled my Mom's estate. I know almost every detail of that last week. I know many things about my Mom that I did not know before. The matter for all practical purposes is concluded, except how I fit a bitter, surreal autumn into the continuity of my life. And for that, I do not think there is an “In the beginning” to be had.